Of all the things, this can be the hardest or most challenging part of a breakup: that instinct to pick up your phone and call the only guy you want to respond to, your ex, and then remembering that you just broke up. Notwithstanding all the time investment once that relationship ended— however drama-filled that may be—an empty space is left behind. This feeling of an empty space is logical, as well as normal to expect.
Missing your ex is a completely normal thing, but how you cope with it in a healthy way is critical for your health and growth process. It’s okay to reminisce about shared moments, and you might even wonder why you aren’t together anymore. Will this make it advisable to get back together with your ex? No, it’s simply a part of the process when you lose a meaningful attachment.
Understanding Why You Miss Your Ex
Whenever thoughts of your ex overcome you, the first step is to just sit with this feeling and understand where it is stemming from. If the breakup is recent and they are constantly in your thoughts, you have to understand that you have been accustomed to having them in your life, and it’s going to take time for you to adjust to that aspect of not having them close.
If it was months or even years ago that the breakup happened, and you feel a sudden longing for them, then track possible triggers. Was it their birthday that flashed in your memory? Did you see someone who resembles them? These moments heighten feelings of longing. Think about exactly what you miss – is it the person, or the version of yourself when you were with them?
Bonding and Routine
Attachment had been created when one spent quality time with a person. In the words of Tyler J. Jensen, “professional psychotherapist, missing an ex was part of the post-relationship life. You had been investing in the relationship and loved your partner, so you missed the openness, security, and maybe the face of familiarity that came along with it.”.
Habits and routines further entrench the relationship, creating shared habits — morning texts, evening calls, weekend dates. And when these routines end abruptly, it is only natural that one will miss the comfort and predictability they brought into the picture.
Even when you feel that the break-up was in your best interest, it can still distress your emotional balance. Dr. Daniel Glazer who is a clinical psychologist says it is like having been left standing in an empty hole while someone important to your life is now missing.
Sometimes, due to an unresolved issue and unanswered questions, breakups result in ruminations regarding what happened. But staying in contact with your ex will not address that. Mostly you only ruminate about the good times, thinking the bad times less, which can distort your vision and make the longing even worse.
Coping Strategies
Breaking up is hard, and one thing you might definitely do is long for what you had with your ex. If you’re sure about moving forward, here are some strategies to help manage these feelings.
- Limit Contact
Reducing the amount of contact you have with your ex is key. This may mean unfollowing or blocking them on social media, changing their name or number so they don’t contact you, or staying far away from places they’re more likely to be found. This way, you’ll have a chance to heal and discover yourself in a new way. - Keep Busy and Pay Attention to Self-Care
Keeping busy will divert your mind from your ex. Try out new hobbies, old ones, and spend time with new and old friends, to some extent, engage in fun activities. Doing activities that result in the elevation of good feelings towards oneself gives one high self-esteem and one is able to move on with life. - Talk to Someone
Talk to somebody about them—friend, sibling, therapist—it helps straighten out messed up feelings. Sometimes it is just a matter of not feeling isolated. - Create New Goals
Make your goals as personal as those for your career or personal well-being. Goals give life a plan, and a new plan can enable you to construct a life apart from your ex. - Do Not Brood
Don’t allow yourself to get stuck in a negative thought loop. Journaling can be very helpful in dealing with your emotions and tracking your process in personal development. Writing down your feelings can often give you clarity and a sense of movement.
Triggers can take you back to square one in terms of the feelings, yet you are healing. The first step is discovering such triggers: songs, places, dates, or scents. Knowing what has triggered you can prevent being caught by surprise.
Once you’ve identified them, try to reduce exposure to them. Get rid of mementoes of your ex, like gifts or photos. If your routine contains activities you used to do together, consider doing something different. New memories in new places help.
When triggers do occur, use mindfulness to stay grounded. Breathing exercises, guided meditation, or distraction through physical activity or entertainment can help.
Breaks from social media or muting your ex can prevent unnecessary emotional triggers. Seeing their posts, especially with someone new, can ignite these feelings all over again.
Fight against such negative thoughts by cross-checking them with facts. You could reason out to yourself that it’s okay to feel bad and take your own time to come out of this phase. Once you have these happy reminiscences about family and friends, you can again imbibe self-worth within you. Understand that you deserve to be loved, and you deserve to be happy.
Acceptance and Moving On
Acceptance is the beginning of healing—one must admit that the relationship has ended, and most probably that is the best end. Allow self to grieve—understand that a breakup is a loss.
Throw out the blame and ingest gratitude as your perspective. Appreciate all the fun times and positive lessons learned, rather than dwelling on the need of having to break it up with the relationship. Forgive both you and your ex to set oneself free from the emotional burden.
Remake your life without your ex in it. Think about what you want and dream about. Realize that your life is like a book, and when one chapter closes another chapter of your life is waiting to be writtern.
Loving Your Ex
Loving your ex does not really mean you are in love with them. At most times, the love you shared with them in the traditional sense continues to exist later, but it transforms with time. Keep in touch with positive memories and lessons learned, rather than being preoccupied with romantic love. Most often, the yearning for familiarity could be interpreted as love.
If you are sure that you are still in love with your ex and the two of you getting back together is the best idea, you might want to try letting your ex know about it. Be sure to brace yourself for the outcome because true love is being willing to let go, knowing that there is someone better for you out there.
Starting new relationships when you are ready can divert your attention from your ex. New people can make you realize you can still be happy with someone else.
TAKE YOUR TIME
Healing from a breakup takes time. Live each day, try to be kind toward yourself, and give yourself some time to detach and move on. Embrace healthy outlets and lean on support from friends and family while reflecting on the thought that better things are yet to come.
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